Open your eyes and you shall see [entries|friends|calendar] Julia [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

Disc Golf [16 Apr 2008|08:10am] [ mood | optimistic ] Disc Golf: an outdoor game using a number of different frisbees in order to throw them, toss them, simply get them into a net. Activities that also go along with this game include walking through the woods and drinking. :-p. I really like playing frisbee golf. I'm not terribly good, but I do have my moments. Mostly I like the walk through the woods and being able to do something that Scott enjoys. Scott and I took Lucy to Warwick to play a game, or as many holes as daylight would allow, with Chris, Jackie and Rob. Lucy got to hang out on my back being admired by everyone. She eventually fell asleep (according to my mom fresh air helps everyone sleep better), just as I had hoped she would. Yesterday morning I went to New Paltz to see my advisor about next semester. I only have 26 more credits to complete. I plan on taking about 15 credits this summer with online courses. down to 11. Then my senior seminar this fall and one other online course. down to 5. Then two classes next spring and I am done :-D. I really can't wait. I want to finish my history and start my law degree. The only problem is that the senior seminar starts at 300, which means I have to leave at 200. *sigh* so I have to work some things out so Lucy has someone to watch her. All in all, school is looking pretty good at the moment. post comment

The Gym [10 Apr 2008|07:05pm] [ mood | full ] For about a month now I've been going to the gym, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. I spend about a half hour on the bikes, then I weight train. I do my back and tricepts my thighs and my abs. The whole ordeal usually takes about an hour and half - with travel time. The trouble is... my weight has been fluctuating... and I think at the moment I have gained weight. My sister told me that you will gain some weight due to the increase in muscle mass, but that the pounds will begin to come off. I'm not too hopeful. Also for a little more than a month I've been a vegetarian. I really feel good about it. I'm doing it for all the reasons. The environmental reasons, the health reason, and the humane reasons. I still feel like I need to read more and eat better, but I'll get there. I need to get there because I would really like to raise Lucy to be a vegetarian as well. I would like her to be healthy from the beginning and to be aware of the issues. Alright, well off to prepare or get dinner. post comment

once again, [02 Apr 2008|03:15pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] I started re-reading some of my old posts on here. I looked at the more recent of them and decided that they were too close to the present to really make much sense in the bigger picture. So I went to the first posts I ever wrote and they were so ancient that I practically gagged on the words as I read them. "like omg, hehe. lol!" *sigh* I was such a nit-wit. I only got through about five or so posts, then I just had to stop. I thought about going back and deleting some of my old posts because they brought up people, places, and topics that I no longer wanted to think about. Then I decided that it would be too hard of a task to look through all my memories and decide which should stay and which should go. They will all stay with me, whether the world can see them with me or not. -Perhaps one day I will do something with all of those old posts... drag one up at a time and re-hash the idea I was playing around with, or write the REAL story, not the vague protective one. I'm not sure though. I don't know if I have that much time on my hands to be digging in the past and putting the present on hold. What I did find by reading the more recent posts was that I really can write some good entries. My vocabulary seems to improve with every post that I write simply because writing is a skill. It's a muscle that needs to be flexed and trained in order to become stronger. I would like to strengthen my vocabulary, my story telling skills, etc. So, once again, I am here to say that I should really start writing in my journal again. Instead of wasting time filling out pointless surveys on Myspace or wasting time on Facebook, I should be here writing about my life and what's going through my head. Things have been really crazy. I've been happy and sad, apathetic and really terribly depressed. I've questioned how I live my life, why I live my life and what I will do with my life from now on. I probably should delve into that right now... but I fear that would take this post someplace that I wasn't intending at the time I began. I just wanted to inform anyone who still bothered to read such silliness, that I will be trying to start up again, for my own sanity. post comment

To complain [12 Oct 2007|07:35am] [ mood | drained ] Lately I've been doing a lot of wishing, and a lot of missing. I wish and miss: -having time for myself -going to school on campus -staying ahead of the game -going to work and making money -spending time with Scott -being able to do whatever I want -my body I read people's blogs and look at their pictures... and I realize that I don't have normal college aged problems, and I don't have normal college aged fun with friends. Mostly I realize that I will never have them and for some stupid reason I feel like I'm missing out. I don't know why. I don't need to go tramping through the forest drunk and I don't need to take stupid posed pictures or silly pictures of seashell bras. I don't think I was ever destined to have those kinds of college experiences anyway. Still, I can't help but feel depressed over it sometimes. I find myself hitting lows, then hitting highs, then lows, then pulling myself onto level ground - only to start again. Sometimes this happens in a day. I hate it. My days consist of waking up early with Lucy, wishing that maybe I could get one more hour of sleep. Then Scott gives me a peck and is off to work (a good job that can feed us and house us and hopefully will grow as we do). The bulk of my day is spent nursing Lucy, wasting time on the internet, trying to do online school work, watching movie bonus features. I wish Scott were around, but I realize that when he gets home I have two people to worry about satisfying. Thankfully Lucy goes to bed rather consistently once I put her in her Miracle Blanket, but it's always after Scott's already asleep. So I crawl into bed, try to snuggle up next to him, only to realize I'm uncomfortable. I turn over and scoot away to fall asleep rather lonely. Eight hours later I wake up to do it again. Life isn't bad. I don't regret anything. Lucy is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I think the problem is my self esteem. I don't feel good about myself. I don't feel that I am strong enough to handle the problems thrown my way throughout the day. I don't know if I'm taking care of Lucy right. I worry that she cries so much simply because of my incompetence. I worry about satisfying my relationship with Scott. I feel like I don't do anything right. I feel like I don't make him happy. I feel like I don't have the time to do anything right because I'm pulled in so many directions. Oh, and the worst thing in the world happened the other day. Scott and I were going out to Target. I was walking around to the other side of the car to put Lucy in her car seat and I slipped on a wet leaf. I fell and I dropped Lucy. She slid out infront of me on her tummy. We looked at each other for a minute, then she started crying so hard, and I started shaking. Scott ran over to us and picked up Lucy, asked if we were alright and helped make the situation better. We were okay, mostly. Lucy just had like road rashiness - no skin broken, mommy had a scraped knee and a bit of psychological damage. Nothing some time can't fix. I was just so afraid I'd broken her... Being a mommy is nerve wracking... but I know it'll all smooth out and I'll have more confidence. post comment

To delete or not [12 Aug 2007|11:10am] [ mood | anxious ] My Life in the Last Month: Scott and I signed a year lease to a lovely little apartment. The rent isn't that bad, the electric bill, and now the internet bill are the only things extra we pay for. I'm confident that it will work out alright. We both have done a lot of cleaning and de-cluttering. It feels good to do stuff like that. I love being organized, I guess it's because it gives me a feeling of control over something. On Scott's birthday we went for my second and last ultra-sound. The baby was 36wks6days and weighed roughly 6lbs2oz. Just a silly little noodle. I hope our baby hasn't gotten too much bigger in four weeks - cuz I would love to have an easy delivery! *crosses*fingers* Everyone at the office - Simon Haysom's that is - has been so nice. I love going to work. They threw me a little party last friday. :) Fran, she works mostly on Chapter 7's, keeps saying "You're so calm!" haha. I do act calm. But now I am beginning to feel a little nervous. I am 1day past my due date, and everyone is so anxious for the baby to arrive! So, now I'm wondering "Baby? what's up? Why aren't you coming!!?" I suppose all in good time, right? Also, yesterday Blizy died. He was our pet baby bearded dragon. We only had him for a couple weeks. I think he became impacted with sand or a stupid waxworm... I'm upset because he was just a baby; because we spent a lot of money on him; because Scott loved to sit and talk with him and we would feed him crickets. Of course, I got very upset over the whole thing, I cried and cried. Scott was upset too, but he said he had to be strong to comfort me. We buried little Blizy at Lion's Park at the base of a tree in his piece of driftwood and then we placed a rock on the top with his name on it. That night Scott had me watch All Dogs Go To Heaven. (I guess it would help me feel better. It sorta did, but I think it made Scott feel a little worse.) He told me, though, that things happen for a reason; that maybe we weren't meant to have a baby dragon right now, especially with a baby person coming along any day now. I'm still a bit upset... I have to clear out his stuff, because seeing it will just upset Scott. So where is my baby - I have no idea. But we want it. post comment

2 am [19 Jun 2007|01:30am] [ mood | restless ] I can't sleep. Maybe it could be that Scott and I turned in earlier than usual - before ten o'clock. Or maybe it's because the light in the room is too bright. Maybe I'm too excited/nervous. Yesterday at 530 Scott and I had an appointment to see an apartment in Goshen. All we know pulling up is that it is the bottom floor of someone's home and that the rent of 800 was probably going to drop. We arrive early, to look good to the realtor showing us the place and I'm excited - this could be a nice place. Cindy pulls up in her SUV - for some reason realtors always drive SUVs, I think it's some kind of pre-requisit. The first thing she mentions is that the rent was dropped to 700 a month, to which Scott exclaims that every bit counts. Here is the layout of the apartment: Walk in to a tiny little limbo type area. Directly ahead of you (more to the left of direct ahead) is a closet, and (more to the right of direct ahead) is a door to the bedroom. Turn left and you enter a decent sized rectangular room. Directly ahead, the middle of the far wall is a door leading into a basement area (which we could use to store some things apparently). The left half is the living area, carpeted, with a slightly rounded wall at the end containing two windows. The right half has linoleum and is the kitchen. The far wall has a fridge and an oven. The wall opposite that has a nice table (tinted glass I believe) for four. The remaining wall between these two has enough cabinet space, a single sink with a window above it, and a microwave on it. To the far left of this wall is a small closet - no shelving but a broom present. Return to the limbo area. Turn to the right and there is a door into the bathroom. As you walk into the bathroom there is a toilet on the right, shower on the left, and sink just up a bit farther on the right. There is a nifty little opening on the far wall, left, into the bedroom. I could see this being a problem since it is open - there is nothing to separate the bathroom from the bedroom, but that should be easily remedied. The bedroom has ample space. There is a window on the right wall. A closet on the left. The left wall (after the closet where it meets with the far wall) juts in slightly. All-in-all I liked it. I think there was enough space to work with and the rent wouldn't be too bad for Scott and I. Plus, we really need a neutral area. One that is ours, not our parents. I left the showing feeling nervous. That kind of excited nervous where your stomach feels like vomity-butterflies. I don't know about the rent or our expenses - I mean how it will really work out, but I think we can pull it off if we really want to. I'm also crazy this week because of classes. I have a 10pg paper due for "Women and Work" on Thursday evening. It should technically write itself since it's a lot of regurgitating of women's history and then adding in the experiences of my grandmothers, my mother and myself concerning women's rights and our jobs. Then throw in some opinionated facts and presto! I'm done. Then I need to write up two 500 word mini-papers for "Soviet Union" due Monday. Finally, begin and finish a 7pg paper on Latinos for "Latinos(as) in America" also for Monday. Along with that continue reading for "Latinos," read ahead for "Soviet" over the weekend, and do any other random work Abigail assigns for "Women and Work." This is all very crazy and hectic and exciting. But if Scott and I do decide on the apartment and sign a one year lease we could be in the apartment sometime in July. July is a weird month. Scotts birthday is on the 18; classes end by the 3rd; I have a doctors appointment on the 5th; and Lamaze on the 14 & 15. Beside working whenever I want - I'm free. I could do whatever I like. Walk so I don't gain weight, plant flowers around the apartment so when I look out the windows I don't see dirt but little flowers. Maybe save some more money to get a couples massage with Scott or at the very least a baby massage for myself. Oh and maybe have a Baby Shower... I don't know. Scott really wants one, and my cousin Beth would love to throw me one. Still I'm undecided, but Scott and I do need the help getting things for the baby and I would be so greatful for any gifts if we had the shower. I dunno... it's all so much to think about! Perhaps I'll try sleeping again... now that it's two a.m. post comment

Soil Composition [26 Apr 2007|09:00am] [ mood | indifferent ] I'm learning about soil composition, but I don't care too much. I just want to pass the test and pass the class. I quit my job at WV's. I was getting really fed up with working there. I told them that they had until May to replace me. They really weren't trying too hard, but the counter was covered I guess. So April 22 was my last day. After work Chris, Erinne, Scott and I went to have ice cream and celebrate. Chris told me how Dave completely bad mouthed me after I left. I think that is the most dispicable thing to do. It's not business like to complain about a former employee the minute they are out the door, especially to another employee. The only uplifting thought is that I know so many people are going to miss me and they have already missed and will continue to miss Scott. Scott & I actually ran into one costumer and he said it was a shame that they lost both of us because we were the best employees they had. Still, I have another job. I started working for Simon Haysom, Esq. :-p He's a lawyer and I help to scan paper documents into our computer filing system. I love this job. Everyone there is so nice to me, and just good people in general. The atmosphere is very laid back, but still purposeful. In other news June 1-4 I'm going to Mountain Jam with Scott and Lara and Chris - if he ever gets his ticket. I'm excited to be doing something fun and with friends. We are going to see some cool bands and camp out three nights. I just hope I have a good time - seeing as I don't smoke and can't drink. I'm also taking two summer courses - Soviet Union and Women & Work. They will get me that much closer to my degree. I still haven't decided on the Fall. I have to check the classes according to my parents & Scott's schedule. Complications. Things I need to do: Talk to OCCC & RCCC about nursing. I need to get on that so I can start my nursing degree asap. post comment

High Pressure Systems [27 Feb 2007|09:00am] [ mood | lonely ] "Maximum speed at the trough. The air is being pushed up, and so speed increases" "Lose speed at the ridges - the air is losing pressure" *sigh* I can't concentrate on this geography stuff. It's 9 in the morning and my stomache feels prickley, my back is achey, and I miss Scott. Life is becoming very confusing. I can't even write. This is pointless.. no one even reads this shit. forget it. 3 comments|post comment

Cycle [23 Jan 2007|11:59am] [ mood | bored ] Once again... another semester has started. One class - and then nearly three hours to pass... until the next one. I hope that this semester I'm more productive. Really - that I get my work done in a timely manner and cut down on my stress. I won't be able to deal with it this time around. Definitely not. Scott made me a special muffin this morning. I was stressing cuz I was late, and the stupid coffee house had no bagels. So he grilled me up a pumpkin muffin, cuz those are sorta my favorite :) It made me smile when I started to nibble on it after class one. Now I'm getting close to having to go to a string of three classes. American Immigration Renaissance and Reformation Medieval Spain Then a nice nearly two hour break and my final three hour class Fiction into Film. I just hope it doesn't last the whole three hours... I wanna go home before 920. alright... enough. I'm boring today. post comment

Ibn [20 Dec 2006|11:05am] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | None- I'm in a public area ] Twenty-five minutes and counting. My last final of the semester, Medieval Travel, is slowly chugging towards me - or me it? Anyway, I just spent the last hour cramming. This consisted of unenthusiastically reading over some key points in my notes, staring blankly at the computer screen, and stuffing my brain full of essay material. I'm glad that this is all going to be over. Two more hours and I'll be done. This semester was a bit of a disaster. A lot of new things happened and I was dissatisfied with my classes on average. I don't want to be a business major, minor or anything along those lines, so I somewhat gave up on those classes. I just coasted through. As for my history classes, I tried, but I am losing hope that I will be able to make it in this world if I major in this field. I've been feeling really shitty as of late. Someone once told me that when one part of your life starts going right, another one crumbles. I feel terrible about my physical self. I am told that I've gained weight over a week or perhaps lost a little another, but still I just feel like I am getting round. I know that I should just give myself a good slap and get back on track, but it feels so hard right now. I hate eating. I mean I love the taste of food and goodies, but I hate that I just eat and get fat. So exersice. Of course. Where, when, doing what? There just seem to be so many things going on in my life that I push this into the background and yet I continually let it have a strong grip on my mental and emotional wellbeing. I don't know how to get out. 1 comment|post comment

Champagne & Pirogies [07 Dec 2006|11:09pm] [ music | Roxette: Listen To Your Heart, Tracy Chapman - Give Me One Reason, Toni Braxton - Makin' Me High ] Apparently I am a lush. SoCo & Lime... Champagne: my drinks of choice tonight. Really it's just that it's better than beer. I mean if I have the option I'm not going to waste it on beer. So I'm sitting in the apartment, I intended on looking up 10 sources for my term paper due Monday... that hasn't happened. I'm currently in the kitchen, listening to music and writing here because commenting on DA artwork has become too taxing. Ranting here is much easier... Here's what I don't like. Boys hanging out together. They begin acting like total fucking idiots. "OOOO I'm drunk." "AAAH. Lets shoot air guns at 11o'clock at night" Fucking fucking intelligent. *sigh* Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with my life. What am I doing sitting here being tired out. I guess it's no better than being at my parents house by myself reading, or watching tv or sleeping already. I don't know. Goodnight. post comment

Papers [05 Dec 2006|03:50pm] [ mood | working ] My day so far... Wake up at 429 to Keegan telling me in quite a worried voice, "Julia, the alarm went off twice!" To which I respond, "uhh, okay," as the loud beeping alarm goes off exactly as scheduled, 430. Keegan covers his ears and skurries off; I gather myself up from the couch and walk over to Scott's room to wake him. He's sprawled across his bed. I sigh and tell him he has to get up as I tap him a few times with encouragement. I return to the couch and fade back into a shallow sleep for the next half hour. At five o'clock I am awoken by Scott saying we have to go. I gather up my computer and my books, and leave the house, only getting a slight look at the crumbs all over the kitchen from the boys the night before. *sigh*. The ride to town is quite; Scott is exhausted. Once he is safetly at work on time, I drive up to my home. The doors will be locked, the dog will bark obnoxiously. To my surprise, as I take a seat on the glider my mom has heard the dog and come down to open the door for me. She asks why I'm hear so early, and I tell her I had to drop Scott off at work. End of discussion. I walk to my room, set down my bag. I connect my computer to it's battery hook up and proceed to write two sentences that had been forming in my head during the ride into town. I pretend I am going to read a lot, but I end up falling asleep after a few pages. I wake up around 9 or so, I pick up my reading. When this starts to put me back to sleep I write my last critique. I continue reading. Eventually my mom comes into my room. To cut through the boring chit-chat, she asks when Scott will be getting a new car so I can come back home. I tell her that I don't know and that I probably wouldn't be regardless. She then asks if I can spare some time to make christmas cookies because Sarah is upset that we don't have any christmas memories. Before she leaves we return the topic of me never being home. She tells me that the "agreement" was that I live home. I told her that it was that I don't live at school and cost them more money and that living away from home is not going to cost them anything more than I am now. She doesn't like this, so I bring up Kate. Wasn't Kate supposed to attend St. John's if she got a car? Didn't she breach that by going to Binghamton after a year? My mom says, "yes, so are you going to skip on your deal too?" I told her that it's not the same since Kate actually cost them more money and I in fact would not - only tuition. That was the end of our discussion, but thankfully it wasn't too bad. So now I'm back at the boys apartment. Scott doesn't feel well; he's asleep and sweating up a storm - poor thing. I let him rest with me while I read my book for class tomorrow. I should finish the book for discussion tomorrow - I have about 100 pages, and I must finish typing up a 3-5 page paper for tomorrow as well. I came over to the computer to at least start before I have to leave for class tonight, but I couldn't write. Thankfully I think this warmed me up. post comment

Update [04 Dec 2006|11:40pm] [ mood | restless ] [ music | whatever is coming from the kitchen ] So I haven't written in here in a very long time, I know. But I'm thinking, considering my moods lately, that I should start up again. No one is going to be reading this, but it will be for me. It will be a way for me to vent on the things that are worrying me and circling like gnats within my head. As of now, I'm in Scott's apartment. I should be finishing my critiques and reading, or starting on an essay due on Wednesday, but here I am. I'm writing to a crowd without a face or, probably, even a voice and listening to the music that's floating up to the second floor where I'm lying belly down typing without an 'e' key. I decided a while ago that any entry I made in my journal would be topical, not autobiographical really. I've been vague in my old entries in order to protect myself and save those who I am talking about. So, I haven't decided if I will be completely candid now - just tell it like it is because I don't care who reads this if I'm just telling my side of the story - or if I'll continue to defend myself through a faint vale of vagueness. I'm leaning towards candid. I'm not sure yet if I will dive into the complex situations that are troubling me now or if I'll return to my work and then fall asleep, leaving the details for another day... we'll see. post comment

My Knees Shake [18 Dec 2005|02:54am] [ mood | loved ] ... with anticipation ... with the realization that we might just... have found something. There's a serene calm - when no words are needed It's all there already - in the depths of our eyes - or on those wondering hands. Those words are always there... On the very tips of our tongues. Yet I can't stop those words I can't stop any words... I just want to tell you - everything thats on my mind. And I know you will hear... - every syllabel and every breath. As I whisper in your ear... As I whisper And my knees shake. post comment

Between Layers [06 Dec 2005|10:54pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | A Decade of Song ] I started a painting this week. It's a small one, but it's something. Of course it will be abstract because I feel then at least I won't be wrong... :-p So anyway, while the layers dry and I think about what I want to do next I'll write in here. :-D This weekend was amazing. Friday I got flowers. *smile* I've never gotten flowers like that before - except from Erika for my birthday. Hanna was like "OoOoO flowers!" and Dawn was excited she hadn't missed anything - she is very much into the gossip haha - and Jeremy said it was sweet. :-p That night we saw Walk The Line - the Johnny Cash movie. It was pretty good. I got distracted every once in a while... and I got a little sleepy. In the movie's defense though :p I had been up since at least 9 that morning and we saw the last show at 10:10. Anway - it was fun going out to the movies... I haven't gone out to the movies in what feels like a long time. A long time. I'd just forgotten how much fun it was. Saturday night was even better. The amount of randomness was great. Hitting up Sunshine & the bead place - then driving around pointlessly - ending up at the Bean talking to Kelly. :D. Free tolkens at the bowling alley!! 600 tickets ;-) for heart shaped pillows. Haha. Most of all I love those plans that never come to pass because something better came up... There is drips of wax all around my room. I don't even care to remove it because everytime I look around at it - I think about the things that happened. I don't think I'll ever burn a candle the same way - or think about a piece of ice in my drinks the same way - from now on. *** Goodbyes are funny things. The fact that with some people we can simply say goodbye and turn our backs - yet with others we just can't let go. Why can't we let go? It is some sort of intuition - telling us to not let go... to take in as much of this person as we can. Or are we just naive - is it simply because of infatuation or something of that shallow nature? Anyway - they've been hard to do these days... *** Out on the road today, I saw a dead head sticker on a cadillac A little voice inside my head said, "don’t look back. you can never look back." I thought I knew what love was What did I know? Those days are gone forever I should just let them go but.... but... (?) post comment

Nothing Here to Say [02 Dec 2005|12:30pm] [ mood | drained ] I'm caught in a lazy way of life. Stuck in a rut. Lately I've been tired constantly, and never motivated enough to really do my work. I've been eating badly - and I can see it when I look in the mirror. Nothing terrible really - but I notice it. Still I can't stop myself and turn it around. I can't get motivated and do my work. I can't climb out of my little rut. There's something caught in my throat... I'm nervous - I'm unsure. I want to move forward, but the past seems to have a firm grip on me. I've been broken - shattered - I know I've said it a dozen times before. I want to be able to pick up those pieces and move on. Unfortunately because of it - I feel like I'm inadequate. I feel like I've lost something along the way and have become shallow. Perhaps as a defense mechanism. But I know it, I can feel it - sheltering myself is going to hurt someone else. It's something I don't want to do, but I'm not sure how to get myself back... Maybe now I'm destined to be something of a spinster. Come home from the law firm each night to my apartment full of cats. Lay down their food dishes as I crack open another bottle of expensive wine to take the edge off. The whole thing, only to fall asleep over my papers because I'm so lost and lonely. post comment

Late Nite Free Write [24 Nov 2005|04:28am] [ mood | jubilant ] [ music | Bill Perry stuff ] I loved you once... I loved you twice... But this ain't no game - "three strikes your out" I'll call the shots Decide what's right I just won't listen To lies no more. You loved me once - You never stopped But still broke my heart With careless lies. So I'll move on To someone new Pick up the pieces Right from the floor... I loved you once... I loved you twice... But this ain't no game - "three strikes your out" *** Short Phrase Synopsis: Work: Hanna jealous of my scarf :-p Molly gnawing my hand for 50cents Ashley yelling bout leaving Crazy name calling man Time flies Best Friend visits "Women belong in the kitchen" =washing dishes; rushing rushing. $6.88 or so in tips revving engines to impress I bet Afterwork: Rush home. -calls -calls -calls Overestimate time Quickest time getting ready Pre-Show: Bank lot meetings -didn't want anyone to freeze Cool throat numb Psuedo-reunion Ash pick up iPod illiterate ADD Way too early Parking lot hang out Show: Great seats Hard decisions H2O w lem Blurted decisions "She too hot; she's too much" Calamari Dinner platters First set Form dread obsession -"fall in love... not sexually" :-p Intermission Second set Dread obsession -leaning.. End set Leaving: Thank yous Wrong ways on One Ways Bitchy cop lady Wendy's alibi Ash Drop off Goodbyes Snow on car H2O iced Quiet Ride Hesitated car exit Trunk retrieving Extended goodbye Dramatic display Good Line Gentleman Embarrassment ^_^ Pinky Promises Lifesaver Home: Muddy's whispers -Am overly nice -she questions I smile happily Walk as though drunk :-p -knees probably weak Finish book. -promise fulfilled Endless thoughts... endless End Transmission. post comment

Rain Falls [22 Nov 2005|10:04am] [ mood | melancholy ] I feel empty inside. Because what does it matter what I think or how I feel when I look like a piece of meat? Does it matter what else I could bring besides a body and a sex drive? Or is that all you want? Why don't you just nail me to a wall - you'll save a step in conquest. Maybe I've been misled. Maybe I gave the wrong impression. That must be it. It must be my fault. Somehow it always turns out that way. Maybe I don't have anything else to offer as I thought - because I'm broken. But I don't feel like settling. I thought the next time around I wouldn't have to. If people weren't so unclear - life would really be easier. I don't want to keep guessing. Don't make me feel so empty inside. Take it away. There's more here - anyone can see that. Word of the morning: Cruel. post comment

Where is the hope, the faith, & the love [09 Oct 2005|01:14am] [ mood | listless ] [ music | City of Angels Soundtrack ] There has been a real lack of people to talk to lately. My sister, Sarah, says that I bottle things up. I think what really drives her to say this is the fact that I didn't cry - not one tear - when my grandmother died. (I'd go deeper, but we've been there before) I don't think that I really bottle things up. Perhaps I do a bit, but not how she implies it. I don't like crying. I really don't like crying infront of people. No, I'm not one of those people who never sheds a tear - believe me I do. Sometimes so hard that I can't see; so hard I can't breath. I probably know why I feel this way. I was teased immensely as a child. It was probably ever day at least until I was ten, then still a little bit til I was thirteen. Siblings and cousins can be cruel sometimes. So, because of that I guess I associate crying with weakness. I don't want to be the weakling always picked on - so I'll turn it off and don't let it get to me. I won't be someone else's cruel amusement. At this point though, I'm not worried about being picked on. Now it's everyday situations, relationships, etc. Why cry about it? Why not just try and accept what is being placed infront of you, and if that doesn't satisfy work to change it. Give me a situation. I can talk for quite some time. I'm obviously social by nature. I wasn't sent home with a report card that said, for about three or four years straight, that I had a tendency to talk a lot in school for nothing :-p. Then when something comes up in my life - I can go on about it two fold. I'll see it from so many different perspectives and yet I'm never really satisfied with how it all works out in the end. Or, or I'm so satisfied with it, I can't help but talk for hours because I'm just so excited. Certain people seem to have that effect on me. (I wonder if it's reciprocated.) That's another thing, I wonder "What if this" "What if that" and I fantasize a lot. I'm been fantasizing, daydreaming, musing so much lately. Anyway, back to my point. With all this talking, and so much repeating, since I want to delve deeper and deeper into everything (I probably do that too much, reading between lines that aren't even there), I feel that I'm boring who ever I'm talking to after a while. :-/. So I need more audience members, that way I get a clear spectrum of thought. I need more audience members because I don't want to burn any of them out with too much. Isn't that horrible? I don't even feel like I can speak with people without getting on their nerves, killing there senses because of my mindless prattle. Terrible. It hurts, but it's just my own messed up way of seeing it - which probably isn't true. The point of that: I might tend to bottle things up, because if something was really bothering me I'd go on and on about it. And if I did that I feel like I would be boring a person - like no one wants to hear that much. They want to ask "are you okay?" and hear you say "yeah I'm fine" That way they can slip back into their own world. I don't want to be anyones burden. Worse than talking to someone who only scratches the surface with you, is someone who doesn't even acknowledge your pain, or even your joy, at all. It's funny how space, and time, and difference of circumstance can do that to two people. *heavy*sigh* I need a better outlet... or a good ear and wisdom. post comment

Loosen Up [25 Sep 2005|10:37pm] [ mood | moody ] Perhaps writing in here will loosen me up so that I can write my feminist paper for Women's Literature :p. Maybe if I wrote more often I wouldn't have such a writer's block everytime I had to do a paper. I guess though by mid-semester I'll be fine, back into the flow of things. I tried to keep a journal this year. I only used about a third of it, and it's not even all that thick. Maybe I will actually start one this year - and write in it consistantly. Maybe this year will be one of positive change. Maybe I'll start down a good path - maybe I wont have to walk it alone. So with that said, my 18th birthday seems to be quickly approaching. Eighteen. What a small insignificant number if you think about it. It's another year. So what can I do with such a number, such a year? Vote - oh wait, I can't because my birthday is the 26... too late sorry. Buy cigarettes - fantastic, I can kill myself slowly. Sometimes I don't even think it's that bad of an idea. Oh yeah and I can purchase anything 'adult.' What an age. Well I really hope, regardless, that I have fun... that things happen, etc. And even writing here... I feel like I have to hold my tongue sometimes. I know who could be reading this... and it's hard to say what's on my mind because I don't know how they would react. So of course I am vague about everything *nod* I try and make these general situations that really deal with the things in my life - but yet, in some ways don't because they are too extreme. Anyway... I don't know if I have the energy to Really go into it at this point, but I will soon - I promise... to those who care. So where do I stand right now? I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut with my essay - but I talked to my best friend, Erika, and she calmed me down about it. All she said really was, "you seem like you're on the right track. Just forget about everything else that is going on" And that seemed to do the trick. :) I have a way of starting my college essays. Here is my process: 1. I wait until almost the last second to do it (perhaps a day or two before it is due) 2. I severly freak out about it because I can't find the right way to begin. 3. I "break down" on someone and they say "don't worry - that sounds good" after I give them the basic topic of the essay. 4. I calm down and say to myself "yeah, I've got this. I'm fine. I'm fine." Step 5. I start the essay. And it all turns out fine. I bet there is a simpler way to do this... but I've yet to find it. Other than that. I wish things weren't so up in the air. I wanna know where I am heading, and with who. Perhaps I just need time to sit and breath, but I know myself too well. I would, instead, just go to sleep and tell myself "I'll think about it tomorrow." That's who I am on certain situations. So instead of thinking about that breather, I'm just going to work. I'm going to continue my constant schedule of work and classes, work and classes. At least with that - I'm making money... and with that money perhaps I'll go places... foreign places - if certain people want me. :-D post comment

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